My best friend and son's God Mother suggested I write a post about things people shouldn't say to bereaved parents (or even those close to a family who has just lost a child) as a sort of public service announcement. I've spent a week adding to this list so I figured I'd better post it before it gets any longer. In a future post I may write suggestions on what TO say, but for now I'm starting with this list of 7 things NOT to say.
Most people mean well and want to console a hurting friend or family member, but often times it comes out wrong and ends up feeling more like a punch in the gut or a slap in the face to the parent. It's only been 2 months since Sebastian passed away, but I've had at least one person tell me each of these things, and I'm sure in my naïve state prior to his death, I probably said a couple of these to other parents I met who lost a child (and for that I'm sorry!) My hope is if we spread the word, maybe these phrases will come out less often.
1.
“I know how you feel.” Unless you have lost a
child too, you have NO idea, so just don’t!
2. “Have
you gotten help?” Suggesting counseling or really anything to make the parent
feel better is not appropriate or any of your damn business. If the parent
brings up the topic or starts to discuss plans to help with healing just be
supportive, but don’t make suggestions unless they ask for your input.
3. “It’ll
get easier.” The waves of emotion are going to come and go for the rest of that
person’s life. Triggers will creep up out of nowhere years after they lost
their child. It could be a song, toy, food, smell, phrase, holiday, anniversary,
TV show, message from a friend, just seeing another parent and child, or
anything else. It never gets “easier” there may be better days than others, but
the pain of losing a child will always remain.
4. “At
least…..” you have each other/another child/work to focus on/as long as you did
with him/he’s in a better place. This does not console the parent (although
many of us will fake it – especially the ‘better place’ comment even though in
the back of our minds we might be screaming that in our arms is the best place
for him!) There is no “at least” in child loss.
5. “Everything
happens for a reason.” Some parents may believe this, some like myself may
still hold strong to that fact and say it ourselves, but for others this phrase
is like a slap in the face, so it’s better left unsaid.
6. Calling
a living child an “angel”. This word is widely used in our society, but the connotations
of this term mean a whole other very painful thing for a parent who has lost a
child. I was not sensitive to this fact until I lost my son, then I became a
part of a community that have “angel children”. For those parents who believe
in heaven, the child they just lost is now a
real angel. Even if that parent believes there are angels on Earth or they’ve
lost older relatives and friends already who they may consider “guardian angels”,
the word “angel” has a whole new special meaning, so seeing/hearing the phrase
tossed around lightly can be a trigger.
7. And
finally, do NOT under ANY circumstances ever tell a grieving parent how they
should feel! Just when you think it’ll help to tell them “don’t be [mad, sad, upset, jealous, guilty, lonely, insert whatever
other emotion here]” or “be [happy, grateful,
strong, proud, patient, again insert whatever emotion here]” think again and DON’T!
